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Humour
(If you heard a good story lately, this is the place for it! Send it to me first,) mailto:halkin@sympatico.ca

Inspiring stories about women getting ahead:
(Submitted by Ruth Isaac)

TV anchorwoman Barbara
Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the
Gulf War. She noted that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

In a follow-up story, she returned to Kuwait recently and observed that
men now walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Kuwaiti women and said, "This is
marvellous! Can you tell the free world just what it was that enabled
women here to achieve this total reversal of roles in a comparatively
short period of time.?"

"Land mines," replied the woman.
( Submjitted by Alex Greenspan)

Reasons why the English language is hard to learn:

     The bandage was wound around the wound.

        The farm was used to produce produce.

         The dump was so full that it had to refuse more  refuse.

         We must polish the Polish furniture.

        He could lead if he would get the lead out.

       The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

         Since there is no time like the present, he thought   it was time to present the present.

         A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

         When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

       I did not object to the object.

        The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

       There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

        They were too close to the door to close it.

       The buck does funny things when the does are present.

         A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

         To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

        The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

         After a number of injections my jaw got number.

         Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

        I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

         How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

         There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

    English muffins weren't invented in England or French   fries in France.

    Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

       We take English for granted. But if we explore its   paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,    boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

    And why is it that writers write but fingers don't   fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

       If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the   plural of booth beeth?  Or, one goose, 2 geese? So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

    Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but  not one amend.  If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of  all but one of them, what do you call it?

  If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

  If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

  In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

  Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

  Have noses that run and feet that smell?

  How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

  You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a  language in which your house can burn up as it burns  down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out  and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

 English was invented by people, not computers,    and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

 That is why, when the stars are out, they are  visible, but when the lights are out, they are   invisible.







(submitted by Israel Kitron)

The Rat of Haifa

A man walks into a curio shop in Haifa. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it.

He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Twelve shekels for the rat, one hundred shekels for the story," said the owner.

The man gave the man twelve shekels.

"I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him
down the street.


This was disconcerting, he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began
squealing.


He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster
and faster.

Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Bay, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions
of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Arab!!!"


(submitted by Israel Kitron)

ABC'S OF AGING


A is for arthritis,
B is for bad back,
C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.

F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention and not to forget other gastrointestinal glitches)
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches, and lots of incisions

J is for joints, that now fail to flex

L is for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack all the time
(But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my M-memory from time to time)

N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack
P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune

Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu?
Give me another pill and I'll be good as new!
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears on how to pay my
increasing medical bills!
T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
and the word "terminal" also rings too near
U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)
V is for vertigo, as life spins by
W is worry, for pains yet found
X is for X ray--and what one might find

Y is for year (another one I'm still alive)
so Z is for zest

For surviving the symptoms my body's deployed,
And keeping twenty-six doctors gainfully employed.


Submitted by Ruth Isaac



This is one of the most clever e-mails I have received in a long time.
  Someone out there either has far too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
  George Bush:
  When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore
  Dormitory:
  When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room
  Evangelist:
  When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent
  Desperation:
  When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It
  The Morse Code:
  When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots
  Slot Machines:
  When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in em
  Animosity:
  When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity
  Mother-in-law:
  When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler
  Snooze Alarms:
  When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's
  A Decimal Point:
  When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place
  The Earthquakes:
  When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake
  Eleven plus two:
  When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one

 Submitted by Alec Greenspan

Subject: Written by a woman ?


   You have two choices in life:
    You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
    The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted".
    Next day she received a hundred letters.
    They all said the same thing: "You can have mine.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge  than to let her keep him.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Eighty percent of married men cheat in the U.S.A.
    The rest cheat in Canada.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A woman is incomplete until she is married.
    Then she is finished.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost
    to get married?"
    And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Young son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man
    doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
    Dad: That happens in every country, son.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real
    happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too
    late."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
   If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention
   to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
   Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through
   life thinking they had no faults at all.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
  -----------------------------------------------------------------------
   Husband: Want a quickie?
   Wife: As opposed to what?
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------
   First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
   Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
  -----------------------------------------------------------------------
   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
   street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
   are attractive to the opposite sex.
Submitted by Alec Greenspan

Senior moments
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
 years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
 activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
 One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
 "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but
 I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally
 she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed
 something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've  got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have? A
 suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where  my hearing aid is."
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the
 paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers
 delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,
 "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the
 widow," I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea,
 but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great
 lover rather than the big shit he always was."
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
 standing on the stern of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and  washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform  you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to  the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 .. .please advise" The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and
 re-bait the trap"
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench
 sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I  have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and  then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground  coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon." I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For  dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then   makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96
 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the
 other sisters, "Was I gettin' in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells
 back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and
 pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at
 the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood  for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

(Submitted by Israel Kitron)
Golf

Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Nation of Israel for the
treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ehud Barak,
the leader of Israel, sent back a message to the College of cardinals.

The proposal was for a friendly game of golf to be played between the
two leaders or their representatives to show the friendship and ecumenical
spirit shared by the Catholic and Jewish faiths.

The Pope met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.
"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Barak wants to
challenge you
to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete I am afraid
that this would tarnish our image to the world."

The Pope thought about this and as he had never held a golf club in his
life asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"

"None that plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added,
"there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout
Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr.
Barak as your personal representative. In addition to showing our
spirit of co-operation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a great idea. The call was made. Of course,
Nicklaus
was honored and agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the
Pope of the result.

"I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the
golfer.

"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played
some

pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have
ever
played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were
long
and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was
perfect.

With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed, "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."


Submitted by Joel Schuster

A woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Hello,
darling. I'd like to talk with the person who gives
information regarding your patients. But, I don't want
to know if the patient is getting better, or doing
like expected, or worse. I want to know all the
information from top to bottom, from A to Z!"

The voice on the other end of the line said, "That's a
very unusual request. . .What is the patient's name
and room number?"

She said, "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the
information about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Finkel, Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg,
Farber, Finkel. Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very
well. In fact she's had two full meals, her blood
pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as
normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor
in a couple of hours, Dr. Cohen is going to send her
home Tuesday at 12 noon."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh,
thank God! Her tests came back normal, she's getting
off the heart machine in a couple of hours, you say.
Oh! That's fantastic, darling! And she is being
released tomorrow at 12 noon! I'm so happy to hear
that! . . . That's wonderful news!"

The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I
take it you must be a close family member or a very
close friend!" She said, "What close family or friend?
I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, tells me
nothing."




Submitted by Alec Greenspan

Subject: Car Extras

This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too...see?"
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?"
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!"
"Uh-huh."
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here, see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in
back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The
windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"
"Check this out! I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME
THAT?!"

Submitted by Alec Greenspan

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.
Ten were men and one woman
.
The rope was starting to fray so they all agreed that one person should let go because if they didn't the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a real touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving
in to men, and that after all men were the superior sex and must be saved.

When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.

Never under estimate the power of a woman.



Submitted by Israel Kitron

It came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman,
broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to
town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And  Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a
camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place
drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what
you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price.
And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable
(UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way
with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men

did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to cameldung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening
sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company
in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with
Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we
have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied,
"Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham.

And that is how the Internet began in ancient Israel.

It wasn't Al Gore after all.

Submitted by Alec Greenspan

TOMBSTONES

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903-Died 1942

Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.It was.
******************************
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
******************************
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
The Good Die Young.
******************************
In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
*****************************
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
******************************
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me For not rising.
******************************
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
******************************
A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
******************************
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any, Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.
******************************
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.
******************************
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont

Here lies the body of our Anna Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the thing that made her go.
******************************
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket,
Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod. Pease shelled out and went to God.
******************************
In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went

Submitted by Israel Kitron

Subject: Ancient History
 (You won't appreciate this unless you're over 50)
 Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "what was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"
 "We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,"  I informed
 him.  "All the food was slow."
 "C'mon, seriously.  Where did you eat?"
 "It was a place called 'at home,' " I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I learned to like it."
 By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
 But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:
 My parents never owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck.  Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck.  Either way, there is no Roebuck
 anymore.  Maybe he died.
 My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer.  But also because we didn't have a car.
 We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my neighbor had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass.  The middle third was red.  It was perfect for
 programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day.
 I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza.  It was a Luigi's Pizza in the South Bronx and my friend, Richie, took me there to try what he said was "pizza pie."  When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too.  It's still the best pizza I ever
 had.
 We didn't have a car until I was 15.  Before that, the only car in our family was my uncle's Plymouth.  He called it a "machine."
 I never had a telephone in my room.  The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line.  Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
 Pizzas were not delivered to our home.  But milk was.
 All newspapers were delivered by boys, and all boys delivered
 newspapers. I delivered the "Bronx News" six days aweek. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents.  On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers.  My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be
 home in collection day.
 Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut.  At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies.  I don't know what
 they did in French movies.  French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.
 If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing"
 Hey, this is one history lesson people don't mind reading.




Submitted by Joel Schuster

....... A Friend....
   (A)ccepts you as you are
   (B)elieves in "you"
   (C)alls you just to say "HI"
   (D)oesn't give up ! ! on you
   (E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
   (F)orgives your mistakes
   (G)ives unconditionally
   (H)elps you
   (I)nvites you over
   (J)ust "be" with you
   (K)eeps you close at heart
   (L)oves you for who you are
   (M)akes a difference in your life
   (N)ever Judges
   (O)ffer support
   (P)icks you up
   (Q)uiets your fears
   (R)aises your spirits
   (S)ays nice things about you
   (T)ells you the truth when you need tohear it
   (U)nderstands you
   (V)alues you
   (W)alks beside you
   (X)-plains thing you don't understand
   (Y)ells when you won't listen and
   (Z)aps you back to reality

Submitted by David Schulman

A young blond girl comes back from school one evening.
   She runs to her mum and says:
   "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count.
   Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me:
   1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 ! It's good, innit?"
   "Yes darling, very good."
   "Is that because I'm blond?"
   "Yes darling, it's because you're blond."
   Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says:
"Mummy,
   today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only
went
   as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K ! It's
good,
   innit?"
   "Yes darling, very good."
   "Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"
   "Yes darling it's because you're blond."
   Next Day, she returns from school and cries:
   "Mummy, today we went swimming.
   Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She
   proceeds to flash her impressive 36 D at her mummy. "Is that
because
   I'm blond, mummy?"
   "No darling, it's because you're 25."
Submitted by Israel Kitron

Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by  train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a
Microsoft employee.

"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.

They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft employee.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.

When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs. shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."


Submitted by Israel Kitron

Subject: B I B L E

There is the story of a person who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.
--------------------------------------------------------
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... Energy
efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.
-------------------------------------------------------
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question "Boys and girls,
what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
--------------------------------------------------------
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the
attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry
about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip. The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the
same in my business."
--------------------------------------------------------
People want the front of the bus, back of the church and center of attention.
--------------------------------------------------------
Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 commandments.
--------------------------------------------------------
Somebody said that there are only two kinds of people in the world, there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"
and there are those who wake up in the morning and say,"Good Lord, it's morning."
--------------------------------------------------------
A minister parked his car in a no parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: I have circled the block 10
times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES.
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.



Submitted by Roy Alkin and Janet Gilbert.


Most of us have now learned to live with "voice mail" as a necessary part
of our daily lives, but have you ever wondered what it would be like if God
decided to install voice mail?

Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling Heaven....

For Hebrew, press 1.
For Yiddish, press 2.
For all other languages, press 0.

Please select one of the following options:

For Requests, press 1.
For Giving Thanks, press 2.
For Complaints, press 3.
For all other inquires, press 4.

I'm sorry, all personnel are busy helping other sinners
right now, however your prayer is important to us. And your prayer will be answered in the order in which it was received, so please stay on the line.


If you require special attention, and would like to speak

to one of the following:

To speak to God, press 1.
To speak to Moishe Rabbeinu, press 2.
For Moishe ben Maimon, press 3.

If you would like to hear King David sing a psalm while you are holding, press 4.

To find a loved one who has been assigned to heaven,
press 5, then enter his or her social security number,
followed by the "pound" sign. (If you receive a negative response, please hang up, and try area code 666.)


For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.

Our computers show that you have already prayed today.

Please hang up and try again tomorrow. The office is closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday, after 9:30 a.m.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local religious representative.

Thank you, and have a Heavenly Day

Submitted by Israel Kitron


Kitchen Signs

* Kitchen closed - this chick has had it!

* Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

* I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat, too!

* Ring Bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it
yourself!

* You may touch the dust in this house, but please
don't write in it!

* If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

* I would cook dinner, but I can't find the can opener!

* I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

* If you don't like my standards of cooking, lower your
standards.

* I clean house every other day. Today is the other
day!

* A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen
is delirious.

* A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

* Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

* Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen
and gone on to lead normal lives.

* My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!





Submitted by  Israel Kitron  from --where else? Braziil!!!


Subject: Brazil is the sure winner!
Date: Wednesday, June 26, 2002 4:07 AM

By simple deduction , Brazil  is the sure Winner !


Brazil last won the world cup in 1994.

Before that they won it in 1970.

Add 1970 and 1994, it equals 3964.

Germany last won in 1990.

Before that they won in 1974.

Add 1990 and 1974, it equals 3964.

Argentina last won the world cup in 1986.

Before that they won it in 1978.

Add 1978 and 1986, it equals 3964.

So going by this logic, The winner of the 2002 world

cup is the same as the 3964 - 2002 = 1962 world cup.

The 1962 world cup was won by Brazil.

Now the Best Part !!!

Israeli fans too have reason to rejoice:

Israel has never won the world cup so we'll probably
win it in the year 3964.

submitted by israel kitron



submitted by  Gerry Tolkin