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Letter from  Marion Hirschmann
A weekly (or daily as  the case maybe)   Letter from  Marion Hirschmann
(If you would like your comment to go in here please send  an e-mail )
mailto: halkin@sympatico.
Marion's earlier articles are archived, if you want a copy, just e-mail me. H.




The little Jewish Grandmother
   A little Jewish grandmother gets on the crowded bus and discovers that she doesn't have correct change for the fare.The driver tries to be firm with her, but she places her hand delicately over her chest
and murmurs,"If you know what I had,you'd be nicer to me."   
   He caves in and lets her ride for free.She tries to  push her way down the crowded aisle,but people won't move over for her.She finally places her hand delic-ately over her chest and murmurs,"If you know what I had,you'd be nicer to me."
   The crowd parts like the Red Sea and lets her down  the aisle.She gets to the back of the bus where there are no seats and looks significantly at several people, none of whom take the hint and get up to offer her their seat.Once again she places her hand delicately  over her chest and murmurs,"If you know what I had, you'd be nicer to me."   
   Several people jump up and insist that she sit down who had been watching all this leaned over and said to her,"I know this is none of my business,but just what is it that you've got?"
   The little Jewish grandmother smiled and whispered, "I've got chutzpah!"


The Clever Parrot


A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little,"
she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first
that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
"that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw
them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said,

Hi, Keith".



Monkey business


Dov is an actor - or, at least, he would be if he could get his act together and find a job. He is down and out, and ready to settle for anything, any opportunity. Finally he gets a lead. He discovers a job described in the classified ads as follows: "Actor needed to play ape."
"I could do that, " says Dov.
To his surprise, the employer turns out to be none other than the recruitment director for the local zoo.
The director confesses that owing to past mismanagement, the zoo has spent so much money renovating the grounds and improving the habitat, that they can no longer afford to import the ape they needed to replace Betsy, their previous ape, who
is now in ape-Heaven. He then offers Dov the job of playing a real, live ape.
Out of desperation, Dov accepts the offer.
At first, Dov is at odds with his new job. His conscience keeps nagging at him, telling him that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers.
And as you might expect, Dov feels rather undignified in the ape-suit, stared at by crowds of observers who watch his every move from the other side of the cage. But after a couple of days on the job, he actually begins to be amused by all the attention. He even starts to put on a bit of a show for the zoo-goers: hanging upside-down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the looming vines, climbing up the cage walls, and roaring with all his might whilst beating his chest.
Indeed, he begins to become quite a popular attraction at the zoo, drawing a sizable crowd.
One day, when showing off to a group of kids on a school trip, Dov starts swinging about on the vines with the greatest agility, when all of a sudden his hand slips, and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring cage, the lion's den!
Recovering from the fall, Dov lifts up his head to see the lion approaching! Terrified, Dov backs up as far as he can, covers his eyes with his paws, and screams at the top of his lungs, "Shma Yisroel Ad-nai Elokeinu Ad-nai echad!" (Hear O Israel, the L-rd is our G-d, the L-rd is one!)
The lion opens its powerful jaws and roars, "Baruch shem k'vod malchuso l'olam va'ed!" (Blessed is the name of his glorious kingship forever and ever!)
"Hush, you fools!" a panda bear mutters from a third cage. "You'II get us all fired!"




Below is a very beautiful and important article written recently by a columnist and a non-Jew. It's worth a read.
__________________

The Virginian-Pilot, Norfolk, VA, June 1, 2002

"WHY WE SHOULD APPRECIATE JEWS"

by Religion Columnist Betsy Wright

(e-mail VPIssuesOfFaith@aol.com)

SITTING IN A synagogue last Saturday, soaking in the joy of watching a young girl read the Torah in perfect Hebrew on the day of her bat mitzvah, I was tapped on the shoulder by a kindly grandmother.

``Thank you, Betsy, for being such a friend of the Jews,'' she whispered.

Taken aback, I could think of only one thing to say:

``Thank you for being Jews.''

In today's climate of anti-Semitism - really, anti-Judaism - it seems you only hear two positions. The first, harbored by Islamic fundamentalists, is that Jews are bad and should be wiped from the face of the Earth. The second, harbored by Christian fundamentalists, is that Jews are good, but only because they will help fulfill Christian prophecy by one day turning their hearts to Jesus and becoming Christians - which would mean wiping Judaism from the face of the Earth.

I believe it's time for a third view: the view that humanity owes a huge debt of gratitude to Jews and it's time we pay it. All of humanity should be friends of the Jews, and here are a few good reasons why, gathered from a variety of resource books. (Call me if you want titles and authors.)

The Golden Rule: As the oldest of all the world's eight major religions, Judaism was the first faith group to embrace and codify the Golden Rule, ``You shall love your neighbor as yourself,'' found in the Hebrew Bible, Leviticus 19:18.

The value of human life, social justice and human rights: The Jews were the first people to embrace the idea that every human life is sacred and valuable, extending from their belief that humans are made in the image of God. Because of this concept, humanity came to see murder as wrong and charity as necessary.

Monotheism and Free Will: Jews were the first people to believe that there is one God and that God gives every human the infinite potential for goodness alongside the potential for evil. Through free will, God gives us the ultimate freedom of choice.

Time and history: Before the Israelites, there were no concepts of time as something going forward and history as something that should be recorded sequentially. The Jews, in a very real sense, invented the idea of humans having a future.

Democracy: While there is no Hebrew word for democracy, the ideal of democracy was invented, defined and lived by the Hebrew people through their belief in the value of each individual. This is formulated in the pages of the Hebrew Bible. Even Hitler one said, ``Democracy is fundamentally Jewish.''

Western Civilization: If you add all the contributions above, their sum equals the basic underpinnings of Western civilization. Without those concepts - in other words, without Jews - Western civilization may never have emerged.

If those aren't reasons enough to appreciate the Jewish people and Judaism, how about some outstanding individual achievements?

Jews have made many important medical discoveries, including the use of vitamin C as a cure for scurvy and vaccines for polio and hepatitis B. Three of the greatest medical miracles of our time were greatly aided in their development by Jews: the birth control pill; the use of insulin to treat diabetes; and the purification and mass production of penicillin, making that the first antibiotic available to mankind.

Then there are thousands of other contributions by individual Jews that enhance our daily life. Jews developed the technology that led to the microwave oven, the remote television control and the VCR. Jews invented the shopping cart and the shopping mall. Jews fine-tuned the modern telephone, the Deere tractor and suggested the making of blue jeans. The disciplines of pediatrics, criminology and nuclear science all owe their genesis to Jews.

(All this, and I haven't even included the many individual Jewish contributions to education, literature and the arts!)

For all these reasons, watching Rachel Kozak's poised entry into Jewish adulthood last Saturday was a great inspiration.

And so, dear, dear Rachel, my prayer for you today is that you will continue throughout your lifetime to be the proud Jew you are at this moment. Continue to find insight and inspiration in your religion. Continue to gift our world with your outlook. Continue to bless us with your faith.

Thank you, Rachel, for being a Jew.


Subject: Oy!!!!!!!!

This older Jewish man was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a
renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was
about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son."Yes Dad, what is it?""Don't be nervous, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me..your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.........

The Pearly Gates

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they
begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter
shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first
time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things
don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple."OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest
up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

Subject: Kids

When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your
 grandmother?" I asked. "Yes, "Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas." "How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"
 "At the airport," Chris replied.
 "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.
 "What are you doing?" his Mom asked.
 "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst
 cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey,
 what are these army men doing in my coffee?"
 Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV 'The best part of waking
 up is soldiers in your cup!'"

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart that contained a  screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert;   keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to him said, "You are certainly to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."
 The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.
 On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were  two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
 "How did you know that?" his mother asked.
 "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied.
 "I think it's printed on the bottom."

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of
 old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day
 I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
 As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she  merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't   wear that suit." "And why not, darling?"
 "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
 heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
 Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead  robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured
 a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of
 what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. And unto the Soonnn....... and into the hole he gooooes."

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just
 wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write,
 and they won't let me talk!"
 _____





From Naomi Ragen
Oncologist Speaks Out
By Dr. Nathan Cherny

That I care for the well being of tens of Palestinian cancer patients and
their families is irrelevant. As a Jew living in Israel, and, more
specifically, Jerusalem, I am a potential target worthy of maiming or
assassination. That is the miserable nature of the Palestinian struggle for
self-determination.

That I am here to recount these thoughts is by sheer virtue of timing.
Minutes after I passed through the Patt intersection en route to the Shaare
Zedek Medical Center, Bus 32 was exploded by a young suicide bomber. Almost
everyone on the bus was killed, most instantly. Shrapnel and flying sheets
of metal killed and maimed passing pedestrians and the drivers and
passengers of adjacent vehicles.
Besides caring for Israeli and Palestinian cancer patients, I teach medical
students a course in Palliative Medicine; the care of patients with
incurable illnesses. At any one time I usually have 10-15 students; Jews and
Palestinians together. Among my current group is a wonderfully bright,
sensitive and caring 24 year old woman: Shelly Nahari. Wednesday's
tutorialwas cancelled. Instead my students were learning the harsh realities
of acute grief as they attended the funeral of Shelly's 22 year old sister,
Shiri, who was killed in the carnage that I had barely escaped.

Jerusalem is small and the circle of my patients, colleagues and their
families is wide. In this week alone, I have shared one degree of
separation from four miserable tragedies.

Dr Eisenman is a young opthalmologist at Shaare Zedek. His wife,
mother-in-law, 5 year old daughter and eighteen month old son were waiting
at the bus stop at French Hill, in northern Jerusalem, under brilliant blue
skies when a terrorist jumped from a passing vehicle and ran toward them.

As his belt exploded he showered all those in proximity with gore and a
malicious salad of bolts and nails. The storm of shrapnel did its intended
job. Dr. Eisenman's young daughter and mother-in-law were killed instantly.
Today his infant son is in intensive care. This afternoon, his injured wife
by his side, he buried his golden haired daughter next to her beloved
grandmother.

Devora Margalit is a community nurse who helps cancer patients, and
others,cope with stomas. Helping people cope with the whole new world of
bags to collect their urine or feces is unromantic but vital work. In her
former days she was a hospice nurse caring for the terminally ill. In the
past days she has needed all of her skills in pain control as she has helped
nurse her 15 year old son who received burns to 50% of his body. His school
(Yeshiva) had an ongoing project tending to a cherry orchard. Last week as
they left the orchard a booby trapped gas canister that was rigged as a
shrapnel laden bomb was set off. In the past week he has had 3 operations as
the surgeons gradually debride his wounds and fight infections. For now,the
pain is the challenge. It is now controlled with a portable morphine pump.
The future holds years of work managing skin grafts and scars.

In the eyes of the Hamas, The Islamic Jihad, The Hizbolah, and Fatah, all of
this is a justifiable expression of national self determination. In their
eyes, the path to statehood is legitimately strewn with the bodies of
children, pensioners, grandparents and bus drivers. If they had here way, it
would be strewn with my body as well.

In becoming the symbols of the battle for Palestinian independence, these
elements undermine the legitimacy of the Palestinian cause; for they present
the Palestinians as a fundamentally uncivil, lawless, cruel and undeserving
society.

Suicide bombings, murder and vilification serve only to delegitimize the
cause and distance the prospect of an independent Palestinian State. A
community and a people that tolerates and condones such behavior is
fundamentally unworthy.

Mr Arafat's denunciations ring hollow. The paper trail uncovered by the
Israeli Defense Forces show, beyond reasonable doubt, that he is directly
and intimately involved with the provision of funding to the militias
responsible for this civilian carnage. You can't call for a million martyrs
to liberate Palestine and still call yourself a peacemaker.

Zero tolerance is what is called for. If there is a responsible Palestinian
leadership, let them join forces with the Israel Defense Forces in
eradicating this sick and pernicious element in their society.

As long as I, my friends, colleagues, patients and their children are
targets; the Palestinians cannot be entrusted to responsibilities of
statehood.

I know that things can be different. I work with Palestinians; as patients
and as colleagues. Our relationships are warm and mutually supportive.
Indeed, in the awful darkness of the past 18 months these relationships have
been a vital part of my coping. I know, from my first hand experience,that
there is the real potential for love and respect. Though we may have
political differences, we appreciate the potential for mutual benefit
through cooperation. This is the human thread that sustains my hope.

Utlimately then, I support the emergence of a Palestinian state; but my
support is conditional. It is conditional upon the prospect of living, in
security and trust, side by side with a civil and humane Palestinian
society; in respect and cooperation.

The ball is in their court.

NATHAN I CHERNY
Director, Cancer Pain and Palliative Medicine
Dept of Oncology
Shaare Zedek Medical Center
Jerusalem, Israel



I received this from a friend and thought it interesting if quirky!

FOR BREAD LOVERS!!!!!!!
 Grocery shoppers take note!!!!
 I never knew this.....
 When you go to buy bread in the grocery store, have you ever wondered which is the
freshest, so you "squeeze" for freshness or softness.
 Did you know that bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week?
 Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.
 Each day has a different color twist tie. They are:
 Monday - Blue
 Tuesday - Green
 Thursday - Red
 Friday - White
 Saturday - Yellow
 So if today was Thursday, you would want red twist tie - not white which is Fridays
(almost a week old)!
 The colors go alphabetically by color
Blue-Green-Red-White-Yellow, Monday thru Saturday. Very easy to remember.
I thought this was interesting. I looked in the grocery store and the bread wrappers DO
have different twist ties, and even the one with the plastic clips have different colors.
You learn something new everyday!!! Enjoy fresh bread when you buy bread with the
right color twist tie, on the day you are shopping.
Subject: Influence of the Past

OK, for all you would-be historians out there. Here's a true one that will
make you think.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet 8.5
inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because
that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the
US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the
pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did they use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that
they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on
some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing
of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for
their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match
for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for
Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The
Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the
back ends of two war horses.

Thus, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is
derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot!

We're not done yet............

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big
booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid
rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at
Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a
bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the
launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a
tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel
is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now
know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, a major Space Shuttle
design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation
system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's
ass.

If anyone ever calls you a horse's ass, take it as a compliment, because it
implies that you are shaping mankind's destiny for centuries to come!


NASA confirms sighting of Jews On Mars

Houston (JTA) - In a stunning development, it has been learned that there is life on Mars -- but not the kind that had been anticipated. The first indication, based on the current U.S. space mission, came when the small roving vehicle called Sojourner spotted a sign on the rocky terrain of the Red Planet that read, "Welcome To Chabad House -- Bring Moshiach Now."
The sign, in English, thrilled and confused NASA scientists at the NASA Space Flight Center in Houston, who had no idea what it meant.

Only after thorough research did they learn that it revealed the presence of a dedicated and particularly hearty group of Lubavitch Chasidim, known for their tireless efforts to reach Jews in the most remote regions, urging them to perform mitzvot. "We've been here for some time now doing our work," said a cheerful Rabbi Lou Steinwalker, mission commander of the spaceship "Mitzvah 613", in an exclusive phone interview.. When asked how long he had been on Mars and how he got there, he said only, "where there's a will, there's a way."

He then excused himself, explaining that it was time for prayer and he was looking for a minyan.

In a subsequent phone call, the Rabbi noted that in recent days another synagogue has been formed on Mars - -- a Reform congregation that he would not set foot in. Following up on that information, we contacted Rabbi Uri Negev, a Reform leader in Israel, who said that when he had met secretly
with the chief rabbis of Israel in Jerusalem recently, they told him that if Reform Jews wanted to pray in peace, they should go to Mars.

"So we did," said Rabbi Negev, "and no one has bothered us, except the local Conservative congregation that keeps trying to borrow our membership list."

A Conservative congregation on Mars? Yes, it is true, acknowledged a leader of the Jewish Theological Seminary. "We discovered that blending Jewish law and modernity just doesn't work on Earth, and we're always looking for new
venues," explained Rabbi Ismore Sources. The rabbi complained bitterly of financial competition from the United Jewish Appeal's Interplanetary
Division, which has been scouring Mars via satellite in search of potential donors.

Stephen Solomon, the chief executive of the charity acknowledged that highly motivated fund-raisers have been active throughout the galaxy for several
light years. "We've determined through a Strategic Planet Plan that our most compelling marketing strategy is rescue," he said. "The trouble is that we
haven't found anyone out there to save!"

That's been a problem, as well, for Abraham Loxsmith of the B'nai B'rith Anti-Defamation League. "We are prepared to open a major branch on Mars, and we've already ordered the press releases and fax papers. But, so far, no one has defamed us." Loxsmith is considering whether the lack of defamation may be due to a form of active, even hostile, disinterest in Jews that qualifies as anti-Semitism.

All this sudden interest among Jews about Mars has motivated Malcolm Phoneline to form a new umbrella group, the Conference of Presidents of Major Martian Jewish Organizations (CPMMJO). He said the group has already received several calls from anonymous rabbis inquiring as to whether there
were any Pell grants available on Mars.

Meanwhile, a number of kosher-for-Passover tours have scouted out the Red Planet as a unique alternative to places like Palm Springs and Hawaii for jaded holiday vacationers. One tour operator noted that Rabbi Orson Vells has already been hired to conduct and broadcast the communal seders, to be called "The War Of The Words," and that space stations are under construction to transport large supplies of oxygen, horseradish and shmura
matzah for the eight-day festival. "It will be out of this world," the travel expert said, "and, I assure you, very tastefully done."

Tourism might be affected adversely, though, by a late report that Palestinian authorities are claiming entitlement to 92 percent of Mars, asserting that Arab ties to the planet can be traced to the Koran.

In a theatre near you


Cowboys and Muslims
At a small airport terminal in Texas, three strangers awaiting their shuttle flight start conversing about the recent worldly events. The strangers were of varying cultures. One was Native American. Another was a
cowboy from West Texas. The other person was a devout Arab Muslim.
During their conversation, they began to discuss their cultural history.

The Native American stated "once my people were many, now we are few."
The Muslim then chimed in and arrogantly said, "Once my people were few and now we are many."
The cowboy looked at the Muslim, shifted the toothpick in his mouth and said with a sly grin, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet."




This is voted as the best e-mail joke in Australia in 2001. Hope you enjoy it.

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.
They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.


Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly
wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.


His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.


Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.



"Three Little Words"
 I suppose some degree of commerce would grind to a halt if telephone solicitors weren't able to call people at home during the dinner hour.
But that doesn't make it any more pleasant.
 Now Steve Rubenstein, a writer for the San Francisco Chronicle, has proposed "Three Little Words" based on his brief experience in a telemarketing operation -- that would stop the nuisance for all  time.
The three little words are "Hold on, please."
 Saying this while putting down your phone and walking off instead of  hanging up immediately -- would make each telemarketing call so time-consuming that boiler rooms would grind to a halt.
 When you eventually hear the phone company's beep-beep-beep tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.
 This might be one of those articles you'll want to e-mail to your friends. Three little words that eliminate telephone soliciting!




Daniel Pipes re: Harvard Commencement

Imagine it's June 1942 - just a few months after Adolf Hitler declared war on
the United States. At Harvard University, a faculty committee has chosen a
German-American to give one of three student orations at the festive
commencement ceremony. He titles it "American Kampf," purposefully echoing
the title of Hitler's book, "Mein Kampf" ("My Struggle") in order to show the
positive side of "Kampf."
When this prompts protests, a Harvard dean defends it as a "thoughtful
oration" that defines the concept of Kampf as a personal struggle "to promote
justice and understanding in ourselves and in our society." The dean
promises, "The audience will find his oration, as did all the Harvard judges,
a light of hope and reason in a world often darkened by distrust and
conflict."

Then the student turns out to be past president of the Harvard German
Society, a group with a pro-Nazi taint - but the administration still isn't
bothered. Nor is it perturbed that he praised a Nazi front group for its
"incredible work" as well as its "professionalism, compassion and dedication
to helping people in dire need," then raised money for it.

Far-fetched? Sure. But exactly this scenario unfolded last week at Harvard.
Just replace "German," "Nazi," and "Kampf" with "Islamic," "militant Islamic"
and "jihad."

Faculty members chose Zayed Yasin, 22 and the past president of the Harvard
Islamic Society, to deliver a commencement address. He earlier had sung the
praises of and raised money for the Holy Land Foundation for Relief and
Development, a militant Islamic group closed down by President Bush.

Yasin titled his talk "American Jihad," echoing Osama bin Laden's jihad
against the United States. Yasin declared an intention to convince his
audience of 32,000 that "Jihad is not something that should make someone feel
uncomfortable."

Hmm. The authoritative "Encyclopaedia of Islam" defines jihad as "military
action with the object of the expansion of Islam," and finds that it "has
principally an offensive character." The scholar Bat Ye'or explains for
non-Muslims through history this has meant "war, dispossession . . . slavery
and death." That does indeed sound like "something that should make someone
feel uncomfortable."

Sadly, this episode is no aberration, but indicative of two important
developments.

Apologizing for militant Islam: Hiding jihad's awful legacy is standard
operating procedure at Harvard. A professor of Islamic history portrays jihad
as "a struggle without arms." The Harvard Islamic Society's faculty adviser
defines true jihad as no more fearsome than "to do good in society." All this
is part of a pattern of pretending Islam had nothing to do with 9/11.

Neutral in wartime. Harvard appears neutral in the current war, as Harvard
Business School student Pat Collins pointed out in a scathing Washington
Times op-ed. Take the example of Hamas: While President Bush has called it
"one of the deadliest terrorist organizations in the world today," a Harvard
spokesman replies "no comment" when asked if it is a terrorist organization
and the university has allowed fund-raising on its premises on behalf of
Hamas.

Even today, militant Islamic groups have full access to university facilities
and the right to advertise their activities. Yet the Reserve Officers
Training Corps (ROTC), a training program for the U.S. armed forces, is the
only student group at Harvard to be denied access to university facilities
and disallowed from advertising its activities.

Unfortunately, Harvard's stance is typical of nearly all North America
universities. Almost every Middle East specialist hides the truth about jihad
and (as shown by a chilling report from the American Council of Trustees and
Alumni, Defending Civilization) almost every campus drips contempt for the
U.S. war effort (typical statement: "The best way to begin a war on terrorism
might be to look in the mirror").

"You are with us, or you are against us": Harvard and other universities need
to look hard into their soul and decide on which side they stand.



Subject: nutrition and health.



Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the
truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the  British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

PRIESTS

  The elderly priest, speaking to the younger  priest, said, "It was a good
idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first."
  The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And you told me a
little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church,
so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir.
We are packed to the balcony."
  "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest, "I am pleased you are
open to the new ideas of youth."
  "Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with
the drive-thru Confessional."
  But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"
  "I know son," replied the old man. "But that  flashing neon
sign,................. "Toot 'n Tell or Go to
Hell", can't stay on the church roof!





Subject: Good spelling counts
Date: Monday, June 17, 2002 9:16 AM

 After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of
 Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she
 peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table.
 Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she
 had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began
 calling greetings to her - "Hello, How are you! We've been waiting for
   you!" "Good to see you." When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to
 him
   "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
   "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
   "Which word?", the woman asked.
   "Love."
   The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her
   into Heaven. About six months later, Saint Peter came to the
   woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that
   day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her
   husband arrived.
   "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
   "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband said. "I
 married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were
 ill.
   And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in
 and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world.
 We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my
 head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
   "You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
   "Which word?" her husband asked.
   "Czechoslovakia."



There was a middle aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SLK.
He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph, and he enjoyed the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great,"
he thought and floored it some more.

He looked in his rearview mirror, and there was a Florida Highway Patrol
Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting. "I can get away
from him with no problem," thought the man, and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought "What am I doing?" "I'm too old for this kind of thing," and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him.

The Trooper pulled up behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said looking at his watch, "my shift ends in 30 minutes, and today is
Friday the 13th." "If you can give me a reason why you were speeding, that
I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day."


Subject: Some thoughts on longevity


On the first day, God created the cow. God said, "you will go into the field with the farmer and suffer under the hot sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer and for this I will give you a life span of sixty years." "The cow said, "that's sort of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Please let me have only twenty years and you can have the other forty back." God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "you'll sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

I'll give you a life span of twenty years." The dog thought then said, "Oh please; that's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "you'll entertain people, do monkey tricks, and make everyone laugh. I'll give you a life span of twenty years." The monkey said, "Oh no, monkey tricks for twenty years? Please God? The Dog gave you back ten, may I do that also,?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "you'll eat, sleep, play, have sex, and enjoy life. Your life span will be twenty years."

Man thought and said, "what? Only twenty years for that much fun? I beg you. Please let me take my twenty, plus the forty the cow returned, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back. That totals eighty years, okay?" Okay," said God, "you've got a deal."

So that's why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, and enjoy life; for the next forty years we slave in the hot sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

A Direct Line?

By Way of Light Relief
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving the tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she was several saddlebags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How dear?" And Dot replied, "I will simply place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of the drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay", he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are." Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.""YAHOO!!!", said Abraham.And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.




THEY'RE SINGING YOUR  SONG

When a woman in a certain African community knows that she  is pregnant,
she goes out  into the  wilderness with a few friends and together they
pray and meditate until they hear the song of the child.

They recognize  that every soul has its own vibration that expresses its  
unique flavor and purpose. When the women attune to the  song, they sing it
out loud. Then they return to the village  and teach it to everyone else.

When the child is born, the  community gathers and sings the child's  song
to him  or her. Later, when the child enters education, the village  
gathers  and chants the child's song.

When the child passes through the  initiation  to adulthood, the people
again come together and  sing. At the time of marriage, the person hears
his or  her song.

Finally, when the soul is about to pass from this world, the family  and
friends gather at the person's bed,  just as they did at their birth,  and
they sing the person to  the next life.

In the African community there is one other  occasion upon which the
villagers sing to the  child. If at any time during his or her life, the
person  commits  a crime or aberrant social act, the individual is called
to the  center  of the village and the people in the  community form a
circle around them.

Then they sing  their song to them. The community recognizes that the
correction  for antisocial behavior  is not punishment; it is  love and the
remembrance of identity. When you recognize  your own song, you have no
desire or need to do anything that would   hurt another.

A friend is someone who knows  your song and sings it to you when you have
forgotten  it. Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made  
or dark images you hold about yourself.

They remember your  beauty when  you feel ugly; your wholeness when you  
are broken; your innocence when you  feel guilty; and your  purpose when
you are confused. You may not have grown up in an  African village that
sings your song  to you at  crucial life transitions, but life is always
reminding you when you  are in tune with yourself and when you are not.

When  you feel good, what you are doing matches your song, and  when you
feel awful, it doesn't. In the end, we shall  all recognize our song and
sing it well.

You may feel a little wobbly at the moment, but so have all the great
singers. Just  keep singing and you'll find your way  home.

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.

Will Terrorists Blow Up the UN?


 Why hurt a friend?
 Posted: May 28, 2002
 1:00 a.m. Eastern
 (c) 2002 Creators Syndicate, Inc.
 A captured high-ranking al-Qaida terrorist has reportedly divulged
that one potential New York City target for a terrorist attack is the
United Nations building.
 Don't believe it. Of all the institutions Islamic terrorists are
likely to attack, the U.N. building is among the least likely. The United
Nations is, after all, one of the terrorists' most important allies. It is
Israel,  the greatest victim of Islamic terror, that the United Nations
loathes, not the terrorists.
 Nevertheless, this alleged revelation did cause me to ponder. What if
the U.N. building were blown up? What would happen? And then it occurred
to me - if no innocents were hurt, the destruction of the U.N. building in
New York City would actually increase goodness on earth.
 To those unwilling to acknowledge the truth about the United Nations,
this  statement must surely sound terrible, but the truth is that for most
of  its history, the United Nations has increased injustice and misery in
our  world. It has given moral stature to the tyrannies that make up the
 majority of its members, especially the Arab and Islamic blocs that
 dominate U.N. deliberations and resolutions. And it has either done
 nothing to stop the greatest atrocities of our time, or actually
abetted= them.
 For example, Dr. Samantha Power, executive director of the Carr
Center for Human Rights Policy at Harvard University, author of a major new book
on  genocide, blames the United Nations for enabling the Rwandan
genocide. Among other things, the United Nations pulled out its peacekeepers
just as the Hutu genocide of the Tutsis began.
 But while the United Nations does nothing to stop, and sometimes
abets, genocide, it sure does care about Palestinians. It has passed more
 resolutions on behalf of the Palestinians - the national group that
has  unleashed perhaps the most havoc on humanity in the last 35 years -
than  on behalf of anyone or anything else.
 Whatever the Palestinians and their automatic majority of Islamic and
Arab  dictatorships want, the United Nations gives. They wanted a U.N.
 Commission to examine Israel's "massacre" in Jenin? They got it, even
 though only 56 Palestinians died - nearly every one of whom was a
terrorist.
 Now don't misunderstand. It is not that U.N. Secretary-General Kofi
Annan  or anyone else at the United Nations is necessarily personally evil.
It is  that the governments that dominate U.N. voting are. That is why the
United  Nations has become a force that promotes tyranny on earth, not peace
or freedom.
 So, Islamic terrorists would have to be very stupid to blow up the
Unite  Nations. And while they are demonic, they are not stupid. They would
never hurt a good friend.
 But what if they did foolishly blow up the United Nations? Well,
then, those who love freedom and democracy would be given a unique
opportunity  to better the world - we can then push the United Nations to rebuild
 elsewhere.
 Having the United Nations in New York City, USA, is an awful idea.
New
 York may gain some economic benefits from the big-spending diplomats
 living there. But otherwise, having the United Nations in America is
of absolutely no benefit to America. Believing that foreign diplomats
 stationed in New York will come to admire America is as rational as
 believing in the tooth fairy. America has no influence on
representatives  of tyranny.
 If anything, seeing our power, affluence, freedom and tolerance -
none of which they have and all of which they fear, only increases most
delegates' hatred of our country. Every 9-11 terrorist had spent quite some time
in  America, and doing so only increased their hatred of it. America
 represented everything they wished to destroy.
 So here's a sincere suggestion: If the United Nations is blown up,
rebuild  it in Saudi Arabia. Most delegates will love it - no women drivers,
no  media criticism of the tyrannies they represent, virtually no crime,
an  unlimited number of personal slaves, I mean, servants, no religious
 tolerance and no elections. For the majority of delegates, it will be
like  home, sweet, home.
 In fact, why wait for an attack? Move the United Nations to Saudi
Arabia  before it ever gets attacked.
 New York can use the land for something far more productive - a new
Yankee Stadium.
 Dennis Prager, one of America's most respected and popular nationally
 syndicated radio talk-show hosts, is the author of several books and
a frequent guest on television shows such as Larry King Live,
Politically  Incorrect, The Late Late Show on CBS, Rivera Live, The Early Show on
CBS,  Fox Family Network, The O'Reilly Factor and Hannity & Colmes.

 All In The Family
 A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of  Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
 "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the
 nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how  you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by  insurance?"
 "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
 "Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
 "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
 "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun
 essayed.
 "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
 "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not
 'spinsters.' They are married to God."
 "Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send
 the bill to my brother-in-law."